I think mainly due to the fact that it's my first night alone in the new house as Stus working away, I'm not scared, far from it.. But my mind has a tendency to be a bitch at times & tonight is one of them kind of nights.
As soon as Stu said he was working away my initial thought was 'I can watch crap on TV without him commenting, Woop!' But that was swiftly followed with 'I haven't had a night on my own since my Grandad passed away.. I hope my mind doesn't play games..'
& that's exactly what it's done for the whole evening!
It started the second I walked through the door to find the backdoor unlocked.. Instant sick feeling of 'what if someone's in the house??' So I did the whole 'hellooo?!' Thing & checked all the rooms.. nothing..(thank God!)
Then it continued when I put the radiators on & even though I knew it was going to happen, I got freaked out by the creeks the house made..
Then this happened...
I thought I saw him! (*insert dramatic music here) I didn't freak out, I just stared & remained still .. I didn't know so many thoughts could run through your mind at the same time - but was this really happening?! Was my Grandad giving me a sign?! I couldn't tell if I was excited or bricking it..
Was he heck. Stu had left his razor on charge & it was the blue light bouncing off the wall.
Why does this happen?! Our brains can be right little bastards can't they?!
I mean, even as I write this I keep thinking - what was that noise?!?!
So we are nearly 3 months in after he passed away & I still don't really think I believe it's happened because I still have that 'I can't wait to see him' feeling.. Maybe I've accepted it but I really think that he might 'visit'?
I still talk to him every single day. Sometimes just a hello at his picture, sometimes a full on rant about how unfair life can be, but I know that I need to keep reminding myself how lucky I am to have the memories of him.
I met my friend for lunch the other day in London & for the first time in ages, I spoke about when it happened, the moments he left us - I was there by his side for his last breath & I don't think at the time I realised just how special that moment was - just me & him - before I knew it I was crying into my pancakes & saying cliche things like 'make the most of every moment with the people you love'..
But it's true & even now I have to bring it back to that moment to remember just how fragile life is.
So tomorrow, I'm going to wake up positive & spend a day of appreciating everything & everyone around me..
It shouldn't take losing someone to do that, but it's certainly a kick up the bum.
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